The Art of TP

One of the many things my mom taught me was how to properly TP a house. When most parents would forbid such an act my mom surprised us one evening. When I was in the sixth grade, I was having some friends over to spend the night. We had just consumed our pizza when mom came into the living room with a bag full of toilet paper rolls. She explained to us how when she was a youth in church, this was the popular thing to do. Holy Rollers is what she called it I think.

We all piled up in the black Ford Aerostar minivan and proceeded to my parent’s friends Dale and Cathy Ray's house. Parked outside mom strategically laid out the assault mission in detail. We executed the mission with ease leaving no evidence behind except the result of a perfectly administered TP yard.

As we got older, we ventured on our own TP adventures. Some successful, others not so much. One night Mike, Stevie, and I crossed through a field which separated Oakhurst Rd and Shane Rd to roll a kid neither of us liked all that much. As we arrived, I agreed to TP the bushes by the front porch. Unknown to us at the time, the kid, and his family had not made it home. When I was about to start the rolling process car lights swept across the yard as they pulled into the drive. Mike and Stevie still on the perimeter of the yard fled in fright across the field and back to the fort on Oakhurst leaving me barricaded between the bushes and porch steps. I watched the family literally walk by inches from me. Once inside I retreated as quickly as I could through the field where I tripped over a miniature tree. That night we failed our mission and I broke my big toe.

My youth was filled with multiple TP adventures. Some involving forks in yards, some with soapy water sprayed by our super soakers, and all demanded the attention of the next morning onlookers. My house was rolled as well due to the retaliation of others, but it was all in good fun.

I owe this gift to my mother and look forward to the day when I pack my daughter and her little friends in the car equipped with the proper ration of TP. I will watch them with pride as these female ninjas give their own assault on Dale and Cathy Ray's house.....It is only fitting.

-Steve Childress